Sunday, December 26, 2010

The two greatest things

A short while back my wife delighted me by expressing her new love for another man, and casually copying me on the email. Most people would either think I was at best crazy, lying, or indifferent. I would admit to my own craziness, I dislike lying, and I love my wife more when she is successful in loving more widely than she was before. I was happy for her happiness, I was moved by her trust.

At the moment of birth we are biologically independent and alive, but because our dependence on others we remain unborn in mind and spirit. By making choices we define our preferences, which leads to new choices and new preferences, gradually authoring life itself. I am not a Christian, but the existential Jesus may have been trying to explain this by telling us to be born again, to make choices that make us free and give us a new birth to real life. Maslow would call this state "self actualization."

Unfortunately, there are a host of others who believe that their freedom is enhanced by controlling our lives. We may have friends or relatives who want to tell us where to live, bosses who want to supervise everything we do, partners who limit who we talk to at parties. These people believe they will enhance their lives by exercising control over the lives of others. The extreme level of control is present in jealousy, which enables us to become quite vicious in our battle for control.

If we want to be free to make our own choices and build my own lives, it only follows that we should want the same for others. As they learn to choose independence, they will leave us to make more choices on our own. Personalizing this, I need to learn to give away control of others in order to have a world where I am free to control my own life. To paraphrase the golden rule, "Give others freedom as you would have them give it unto you."

There is really no pride in watching someone succeed when forced or controlled into doing what you want. If you son becomes an engineer because you forced him to do the homework, paid his tuition, and rewarded him for high grades the reward is unsatisfying and often only temporary. What you are doing is making up for your own lack of life through the efforts of another you control. You and your son are both only half alive. Your son may have to work for years as an engineer before realizing he has to choose an occupation of his own.

With my wife's choice to love another and tell me about it, I learned to my surprise that it is possible to live vicariously and not be controlling. I live my own life, she lives her own, and we both can take pride in what the other achieves through our mutual freedom and Independence. Your son the golfing pro if happily in control of his own life, gives you far more pleasure than having him submit to your control. You don't need to squeeze the choice and life out of your son to gain satisfaction for yourself.

I must accept what the twelve-steppers preach, I am powerless to control the lives of others, in that admission I gain the strength and time to live a live a free life of my own. I hope to live to see my wife love many others, some more than me. What does it matter if I am loved the best if I can be loved even more than I am now?